...stop me if you've seen this one before...

...here's a screen shot from Youtube of a video that has been making the rounds of my musician friends. Wayne of The Responsibles recommended it to me, and I watched it about five times in a row. I had to play it several times because I was laughing, and missed several lines...all classics. For those of you in bands, this is simply a catalogue of the ills of working with a paid 'promoter', not just someone who puts on gigs once and a while because they want to. A comment on the video pretty much encapsulates my thoughts..."..I've had this happen to me, but not all at once..". "Will we get paid?" "No, you will not be paid", and the 'band stacking'---"there are now eight bands on the bill, and the price has been raised to eight pounds"...on and on. I'm not going to even attempt to transcribe the entire thing, you can watch it for yourself, but some of the lines reminded me of other times...

.."all you will be offered is warm Carling"..ha ha..more than once, I have been asked how many were in the band, "Five", only to be handed four drink tickets that are not good for shots, mixed drinks, imported beers, anything on tap, or, in fact, anything the club serves at all. Only valid with the year old case of OV stored in the beer fridge that doesn't work properly. Or perhaps a jug of 'draft' that has a distinct greenish tint, either from St. Patrick's Day three months previous, or the 'slops' from the beer taps that are never cleaned, and would probably go to fish batter anyway...

"Will you be at the gig?"..usually promoters stay, but not always until the end...weigh-in time. A sleepy bartender will tell you to come back next weekend to the club (several hour's drive) to pick up your forty dollars (you don't know this amount, of course..)...

"I will not reply to your telephone calls, emails, etc"...hee hee.."but in several weeks I will ask you to play another gig, and pretend that we have never worked together.."...again, true, on some occasions. Like those caterpillars that turn to dust when squashed, many a promoter seems to be "physically ill" at the thought of dealing with a band, and depart into the vapour before your band leaves the stage, and, who can blame them...

...there is a 'response' video, called "Band vs Promoter (the real story)", which shows the flip side, and is equally as funny. Briefly, the band will show up late, lacking the required gear, act like divas, and moan about..erm..drink tickets as if they were doses of insulin...a friend of mine who works with a union in big arenas say the common term for "artists" is "fish". As in, they come in, flop around for a while, and then stink up the place...

...I have yet to try the website that these videos were made on, where "if you can type, you can make a movie", but there may be some other "match ups" that may be amusing..
"Musician vs Drunken Patron--the Skynrd Wars"
"Musician vs Drunken Muso--I should be up there, not you man! I've got NINE GUITARS!"
"Drunken Musician vs Sober Promoter--where's our 1. drink tickets 2. money 3. Avocado Dip?"

...all in all, Rock n' Roll's a hard life. If i were to tabulate all of the money that I am owed, it would probably be in the thousands, but hey, who's counting...? If I were in this for the money, I'd be in a boy band...

...I'd be the grumpy, stooped one that doesn't move...


NOTE:..of course, there ARE good promoters, and *ahem* Responsible musicians...